How to Win Friends and Influence People: Carnegie’s 12 Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking from Part 3

PART THREE How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

10.3.01: You Can’t Win an Argument

Pages 143 – 150.

PRINCIPLE 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

“As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” Page 146

11.3.02: A Sure Way of Making Enemies—and How to Avoid It

Pages 151 – 163.

PRINCIPLE 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

An adult to young Ben Franklin on his difficult nature, “Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.” Page 157

12.3.03: If You’re Wrong, Admit It

Pages 164 – 171.

PRINCIPLE 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

“There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.” Page 167

13.3.04: A Drop of Honey

Pages 172 – 181.

PRINCIPLE 4 Begin in a friendly way.

“They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.” Page 175

14.3.05: The Secret of Socrates

Pages 182 – 189.

PRINCIPLE 5 Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

“Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree.” Page 183

“Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset.” Page 183

“The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses.” Page 183

15.3.06: The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

Pages 190 – 195

PRINCIPLE 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

“I know I would have lost the contract if I hadn’t lost my voice, because I had the wrong idea about the whole proposition. I discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.” Page 191

16.3.07: How to Get Cooperation

Pages 196 – 201

PRINCIPLE 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.” Lao-tse

17.3.08: A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

Pages 202 – 208

PRINCIPLE 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg commented: “Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.” Page 203

18.3.09: What Everybody Wants

Pages 208 – 216

PRINCIPLE 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.” Page 208

19.3.10: An Appeal That Everybody Likes

Pages 217 – 222

PRINCIPLE 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.

“J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.” Page 217

20.3.11: The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

Pages 223 – 227

Hap Klopp once told me, “You can invite people to a ballet or a rock show – and they’ll have a good time at either.  But you can’t invite them to one and give them the other.”  People like a show – but tell them what show you’re inviting them to.

“This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.” Page 223

21.3.12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This

Pages 228 – 231

PRINCIPLE 12 Throw down a challenge.

“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. … The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.” Page 231

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