How to Win Friends and Influence People – Chapter 3 – PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want. – “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way”. Carnegie’s point in this chapter is that action occurs when we know what the other party wants. Only by focusing on their wants, creating alignment and ultimately a shared vision – can we help create movement.
“So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.” Page 55
Carnegie uses a poorly written mailer as an example of how companies fail when they focus on what they want, rather than what the customer wants. He reproduces the mailer – along with his humorous feedback. His point below has stuck with me:
“[Who cares what your company desires?]” Page 61
Page by Page
“Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?”
“So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”
“Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”
“First, arouse in the other person an eager want.” Overstreet
“Then Carnegie offered to wager a hundred dollars that he could get an answer by return mail, without even asking for it.”
Note the very subtle call back to Abraham Lincoln whose image graces the $5 bill that Carnegie pledged to his nephews to prompt their reply. Dale Carnegie is **that** good.
“Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?””
Carnegie uses a first person anecdote, where the cost of a conference room for a training session is discovered to be 3x that which he was told. He does not get angry, rather he searches to find out what the owner wants.
“I was a bit shocked when I got your letter,” I said, “but I don’t blame you at all.”
“Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.”
Carnegie analyzes a mailer from a business that doesn’t follow the guidance of Chapter 3. It is bad. Carnegie’s blunt responses are funny.
“[Who cares what your company desires?]”
“[…If you had as much sense as a half-witted hummingbird, you would realize that I am interested in how big I am—not how big you are. All this talk about your enormous success makes me feel small and unimportant.]”
“We desire to service our accounts with the last word on radio station information.”
“A prompt acknowledgment of this letter, giving us your latest “doings,” will be mutually helpful.”
Every little line from the self-absorbed mailer is painful to read. Carnegie’s comments are funny. The point of corporate narcissism being a bad way to win customers is well made.
“[Finally, down here in the postscript, you mention something that may help me solve one of my problems.]”
This might have been a toss-away comment from Carnegie – but the small part that is useful to him is but a trifle. It is amazing how small efforts to make things easier for a customer can be well received.
“Let’s not waste any time talking about our problems.”
“However, we regret to say that it isn’t possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as they did on November 10.”
Carnegie’s anecdote here focuses on a customer who wants to get customers to better organize shipments, and they are effective by following the method.
“Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired, discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only of what they want.”
“He told me again that I could get it by telephoning, and then asked me to let him handle my insurance.”
“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”
“Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.”
“I want to play basketball.”
“First, arouse in the other person an eager want.”
“What were his wants?”
“The father, looking at the bed, obeyed Charles Schwab’s injunction: he was “hearty in his approbation and lavish in his praise.””
“PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.”